SOUTHERN BAPTIST ANNUAL SUMMER CIRCUS

Clowns are funny. Homer Simpson

Mood music.

Roll up! Roll up! Roll up! The Southern Baptist Convention is now in session! See: fundamentalist weirdos withdraw from an organization that they themselves created because it is nooooow toooo liberaaaalll! See: Bible thumping freaks worship a talking chimpanzee on teeveeeee! Watch in morbid fascination as pasty face bozos hold clown court on the issue of the Godless public schoooooollls!

Yes, it's that time of year again. Time for the annual Southern Baptist Convention!

Change of mood music.

Southern Baptists vote to quit World Alliance

From the AP via the Houston Chronicle:

The SBC pullout means the loss of a third of its income base.

"Our concern is not financial," said the Rev. Denton Lotz, general secretary of the world alliance. "Our concern is schism and division. Christians need to be a united voice."

The December report complained that some in the alliance had questioned "the truthfulness of Holy Scripture," refused to affirm the necessity of conscious faith in Jesus Christ for salvation, promoted women preachers, criticized the SBC and its foreign mission board and adopted an "anti-American" tone.

The last straw came in 2003, when the alliance accepted as a member the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, a rival group to the SBC formed by moderates who oppose denominational leaders' conservative policies.

Prior to today's vote, Paige Patterson, president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, said the SBC should not give money or endorsement to an organization that includes liberals.

He also complained that the American Baptist Churches, a U.S. denomination, includes "gay-friendly congregations," and that other members of the world alliance call the inerrancy of Scripture into question.

Click here for the rest.

Jesus save me! Save me from the women preachers! They are wicked, Lord! They are wicked and make me think sinful thoughts! Save me Jesus! Save me from the gay-friendly congregations! Lord, they are wicked! They are wicked and make me think sinful thoughts! Save me Jesus!

Baptists praise Bush message to right

From the Houston Chronicle:

President Bush brought thousands to their feet Tuesday in a brief broadcast to cheering Southern Baptists that promoted his politically conservative stances on gay marriages, abortion and human cloning.

"My administration is defending the sanctity of marriage against activist courts and local officials who want to redefine marriage forever," Bush told wildly applauding Southern Baptists assembled for the opening of their annual two-day meeting.

The 16.3 million-member denomination is nationally known for its staunch conservative positions that mirror many of the president's right-of-center Republican stances. Moreover, the denomination's Southern base, including Texas, is crucial to Bush's re-election bid.

Click here for more.

Our Father, we praise thee, our Father! You have, in your infinite wisdom, our Father, placed such a wise man in such an important position! We are all as apes when compared to you, our Father, and our President is the alpha male, although this statement is not in any way to be construed as an endorsement of evolution! Our Father, our Father, how we praise thee!

Baptists reject public school pullout

From the AP via the Houston Chronicle:

The Southern Baptist Convention voted down a controversial proposal today that would have asked parents to pull their children from public schools in favor of religious education.

On the final day of the denomination's annual meeting, some 8,500 church representatives also approved a call to amend the U.S. Constitution to bar gay marriage. The 16.3 million-member SBC is the nation's largest Protestant body.

Earlier this year, a statement denouncing "government schools" as "officially Godless" had been proposed by retired Air Force General T.C. Pinckney of Alexdandria, Va., and attorney Bruce Shortt of Spring, Texas.

The meeting's resolutions committee rejected that in favor of a broader and less pointed warning against "the cultural drift in our nation toward secularism."

Click here for the rest.

Sinners repent! Sinners repent, or face eternity in Hell! For Hell is an evil place with demonic d-hall slips, and Satanic punishment in the assistant principal's office! Hell hath wrought the blazing report card, and the insufferable permanent file! Hell is for Hell! Hell is for children!

Good lord...what am I saying? I actually agree with this last thought. Not for the same reasons, of course: I hate the schools because they're so authority and obedience oriented that they effectively serve to diminish national intelligence; that's probably the one thing about the schools that the Baptists actually like. Intelligence, you see, enables people to understand and consider philosophical essays like this one. Fundamentalists are scared shitless of that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your time under the Baptist big top. Now, let's go see the bearded lady and the dog boy! Or maybe even the Portly Preacher!

Thanks to my old buddy Matt for the circus tickets, and thanks to his departed father for the phrase "damned Baptists;" hardly a day goes by that I don't think it at least once.

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