Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him
One-Year, $10 Million Contract

From the Onion:

HOUSTON—Representatives from the Clemens family met with the star pitcher over an informal dinner Tuesday evening to discuss the possibility of keeping Roger Clemens home for one more season, sources close to the family reported.

Baseball analysts are calling the one-year, $10 million contract a last-ditch effort on the family's part to bring the seven-time Cy Young Award winner and three-time World's Greatest Dad back to his roots.

"It's hard to put a dollar amount on what Roger has historically meant to this family," said Clemens' wife Debbie, who has been handling most of the negotiations. "Many of the younger members of this organization really look up to Roger—growing up, he was their hero. Now Roger has the chance to be a kind of mentor to guys like Kacy and Kody. They have really been lacking the strong veteran presence that's so crucial at this point in their careers."

"We need you, Roger," Debbie added. "Please come home."

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Okay, if you have no idea why this is funny, my apologies. To further your annoyance, I've got to add that the explanation I'm about to give will probably not do anything to make you laugh. Ah, well. You can't please everybody. Anyway, this is funny, to me at least, because, as you probably know, I check the Houston Chronicle website pretty much everyday. Part of that is scanning the sports headlines. I'm not a huge sports fan--well, I'm a big football fan, but not of sports in general. But I do kind of like baseball; I was extraordinarily happy when the Astros made it to the World Series for the first time in club history last fall. Part of the reason they made it so far is former Longhorn pitcher Roger Clemons.

I was pretty amazed when we first got him: he had just retired from the Yankees, and his hometown team, which is also my hometown team, then spent weeks in negotiations to woo him out of his newfound freedom and back onto the mound. While this was going on, there was a story in the Chronicle sports section pretty much every other day about whether or not we were going to get him. It was, in effect, a sort of baseball soap opera in print, dealing with the drama of mundane contract and incentive issues. The story had a happy ending, of course. Then Clemons retired again after last year's Series.

After that, the Chronicle sports section once again returned to the Clemons contract storyline. Was he really serious about retirement? Could we get him for just one more season? Then the season started without him and the stories died off. A few weeks back, however, some sort of free agency deadline passed, and the stories started up again. Was he really serious about retirement? Could we get him for just one more season? I have no idea what's going on with that; I haven't seen any stories for over a week.

But, given Clemons' talent and experience, it doesn't surprise me at all that his family is trying to steal him out from under the Astros' noses. Personally, I think he'd be much more effective at Minute Maid park than he would be playing catch with his two young sons in the back yard. I mean, who the hell do these people think they are? Bunch of minor leaguers, if you ask me.

Damned families.

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