Stop the music, please — freak dancing over the top

From the Houston Chronicle op-ed page, some syndicated columnist freaks out:

Freak dancing must be stopped.

Freak dancing is not new. It has been appalling chaperones for several years now. What has changed is that it's no longer a limited phenomenon. It is showing up in high schools all over the country, and even in the tender middle-school grades.

What is freak dancing? Well, it's a representation of anal sex set to hip-hop music. The boy makes thrusting moves at his partner's rear. Sometimes the girl hikes up her skirt to facilitate contact. And if she's feeling athletic, she may assume the doggy-style sexual position, bending over and putting her hands on the floor. One variation has two males surrounding a female and rubbing at her front and back. Other names for this dance are "grinding," "the nasty" or just "freaking." For further reference, consult MTV.

This is not a case of only the bad kids doing something. Intense social pressure can drag down even carefully raised adolescents. Teri Poff, the principal at Capital High School in Olympia, Wash., told a local newspaper that students report "feeling coerced into inappropriate dancing."

Tar me as one of those cranky ladies who says things like, "This time they've gone too far." But this time they've definitely gone too far.

Click here for the rest.

Okay, this is just laughable. Indeed, I'm laughing right now.

Given the media environment in which we live, which is utterly drenched in sexual imagery, it comes as absolutely no surprise that today's teenagers would behave in a seemingly more sexual manner than my peers did when we were teens. That is, it's waaaaay too late to worry about freak dancing, which is only a result of where the mainstream culture is at the moment--if you want to stop freak dancing, you've got to take on Big Media, and stay at them for a couple of decades, while at the same time waging a massive PR campaign in hopes of replacing these devil-spawned sexual attitudes with something more Puritanical in nature. You know, you've got to change the culture. In other words, this columnist should shut the fuck up because nothing constructive can come of opposition to teens simulating sex on the gym floor. Unless you count the soothing of conservative righteous indignation, but really, who gives a shit about that? They're just going to get mad about something else, anyway.

Frankly, I don't even see that there's actually anything about which to be concerned. I think some anxiety would be in order if these kids were actually having sex at school dances, but that doesn't appear to be happening in any significant numbers. Speaking of sex, as far as I know, the overall numbers on teen sex, real sex I mean, are about the same as they were when I graduated high school twenty years ago!!! In other words, there's just no problem. All freak dancing does is give teens some much needed fun and excitement while pissing off authoritarian adults, which is always a noble pursuit.

If these moronic Puritans were actually concerned about the sexual health of teenagers, they'd end their foolish support for "abstinence based" sex education, roll up their sleeves, pick up a dildo, and demonstrate for as many teens as possible how to put on a condom.

I'm so sick of these people's shit.

In honor of freak dancing, I'm posting some appropriate Snoop Dog lyrics:

G Funk Intro

[Intro:]

Yeah....
This is another story about dogs
For the dog that don't pee on trees, is a bitch
So says Snoop Dogg, get your pooper scooper
Cuz the ni$$a's talkin shit
Aroof! [echoes]

[Verse One: Rage]

I'm sippin on Tanqueray
with my my mind on my money and my mouth in the ganjahy
R-A-G to the motherfuckin E
Back with my ni$$a S-N double O-P
[Dre] Yeah, and ya don't stop
Rage in effect I just begun to rock
[Dre] I said yeah, and you don't quit
[Snoop] Hey yo Rage would you please drop some gangsta shit
I rock ruff and stuff with my Afro Puffs
Handcuffed as I bust bout to tear shit up
Oh what did ya think I, could never think I
Would be the one to make you blink out, I catch you like Inca
Never will there ever be another like me
Um you can play the left, cuz it ain't no right in me
Out the picture out the frame out the box I knock em all
Smack em out the park, like A Friendly Game of Baseball
Grand, slam, yes I am
Kickin up dust and I don't give a god DAMN
Cuz I'm that lyrical murderer
Pleading guilty, you know for my skills I'm about to be
Filthy large, Rage in charge
You know what's happenin don't try to play large
this ain't no Rerun, see hun, don't ya wanna be one
A cover, word to wreck ya, cause I never get my vocals
I'm loco, close to Constatanople, uhhh!
I'll make 'em go coo-coo for my Cocoa
puffin stuff, aiyyo Snoop, you're up
Let these ni$$az know that ni$$az don't give a fuck!

[Verse Two: Snoop Doggy Dogg]

This is just a small introduction to the G Funk Era
Everyday of my life I take a glimpse in the mirror
And I see motherfuckers tryin to be like me
Every since I put it down with the D-R-E

[Outro:]

Foamin at the mouth and waggin his tail
Searchin through the yards with a keen sense of smell
Lookin for the business in heat
And when he find it he'll be sniffin her seat
We travel in packs and we do it from the back
How else can you get to the booty?
We do it Doggystyle, all the while we do it Doggystyle
Yo motherfuckin hoes!!!
He fucked the fleas off a bitch
He shaked the ticks off his dick
And in the booty, he buries his motherfuckin bone
And if there's any left over
He'll roll over and take a doggy bag home

Damn, that Tanqueray is talkin to a ni$$a
I ain't bullshittin, one of y'all ni$$az gotta get it
Man I got ta piss
Breath test?


WWSD: what would Snoop do?

In your face, you anti-sex assholes!

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