Gov. Bobby Jindal explains what 'the left wants'

Daily Kos excerpts an op-ed piece written by my governor:

"Because the left wants: The government to explode; to pay everyone; to hire everyone; they believe that money grows on trees; the earth is flat; the industrial age, factory-style government is a cool new thing; debts don’t have to be repaid; people of faith are ignorant and uneducated; unborn babies don’t matter; pornography is fine; traditional marriage is discriminatory; 32 oz. sodas are evil; red meat should be rationed; rich people are evil unless they are from Hollywood or are liberal Democrats; the Israelis are unreasonable; trans-fat must be stopped; kids trapped in failing schools should be patient; wild weather is a new thing; moral standards are passé; government run health care is high quality; the IRS should violate our constitutional rights; reporters should be spied on; Benghazi was handled well; the Second Amendment is outdated; and the First one has some problems too."

More here.

And, of course, the writers at Daily Kos then go on to excoriate Jindal's bullshit.  But I figured I ought to try my hand at this, myself.

1. No, the left does not want the government to explode.  This is, in fact, what conservatives ACTUALLY TRY TO DO, themselves, when they obstruct important business in Congress, like, you know, paying our debts.

2. No, the left does not want government to pay everyone.  Nor does the left want the government to hire everyone.  The left does, however, want everyone who wants a job to have one, and if the private sector is unwilling to provide those jobs, the public sector needs to pick up the slack.  The left also understands that a just society ought not allow people to starve in the streets, which means that assistance to the victims of capitalism must be provided.

3. No, the left does not believe that money grows on trees.

4. No, the left does not believe that the Earth is flat.

5. No, the left does not think that "the industrial age, factory-style government is a cool new thing."  I feel pretty sure about this because I'm a leftist, and I have no idea what the hell Jindal's talking about here.

6. The left does, in fact, believe that debts ought to be repaid.

7. No, the left does not believe that people of faith are ignorant and uneducated.  Perhaps Jindal is confusing the left with atheists who are also assholes.  Also, it is undeniable that some people of faith are ignorant and uneducated, just as some of the faithless are ignorant and uneducated.  But all of them?  Certainly not.  Indeed, some of the most effective and accomplished leftists in history have been people of faith: Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Daniel Berrigan, Oscar Romero, Jesus, and on and on.

8. Is an "unborn baby" supposed to be a fetus?  Again, I'm pretty sure that this is a concept that the left thinks is VERY important.  But really, it's the born babies that take priority with the left because, you know, they're living human beings who need devotion, nurturing, and care.  If only conservatives cared about the born babies, too.

9. The left thinks only some pornography is fine.  But the left also has big problems with porn that blatantly exploits and oppresses women.  Indeed, free speech leftists have debated feminist leftists on the down low about this for years.  And even the free speech leftists don't advocate porn per se, but rather advocate for first amendment freedom.  Of course, as a leftist, I must admit that the porn I personally like is just fine.  But not the porn I don't like.

10. The left does not think traditional marriage is discriminatory.  Rather, the left thinks denying gays and lesbians the right to marry their own gender is discriminatory, which it is.

11. No, the left does not think 32 oz. sodas are evil.  Rather, they think they're fattening.  And really it's only Bloomberg, a conservative businessman, who's actually trying to do anything about it.  I drink Coke all day long, myself, but I weigh twenty pounds less than I did in high school.  Go figure.

12. No, the left does not think red meat should be rationed.  What the hell is Jindal talking about here?  Oh yeah, it's worth observing that I eat hamburgers, too.

13. No, the left does not think rich people are evil unless they're Hollywood liberals or rich Democrats.  Actually, this is kind of nuanced.  Some rich people are definitely not evil, but certainly benefit HEAVILY from an evil economic system.  Other rich people are quite evil, though, and this includes rich Democrats.  Also, Hollywood liberals aren't liberal.  Neither are rich Democrats.  It's just a role they play on television.

14. The left thinks that Israel, like all nation states, is both unreasonable and reasonable, depending on the issue.

15. No, the left does not think trans-fat should be stopped, although that's probably a good idea.  I think Jindal is confusing the left with doctors on this issue.

16. No, the left does not believe that kids trapped in failing schools should be patient.  Again, I have no idea what the hell Jindal is talking about here.

17. No, the left does not think that wild weather is a new thing.  But the left does accept the very strong scientific consensus that global warming is man made and that it causes a lot of the wild weather we've been seeing in recent years, and that if we don't do something right now to reverse course there will be hell to pay for our children.

18. No, the left does not believe that "moral standards are passé."  Indeed, morality is why we're leftists.  It's just that the left prefers a moral code that uplifts humanity, instead of a moral code that justifies screwing humanity over for personal gain.

19. No, the left does not believe that "government run health care is high quality."  The left, instead, believes that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't.  The bottom line is that having health care is amazingly better for Americans than not having health care.  The trick is to make sure that government provided health care, if we're ever fortunate enough to actually get it, is good stuff.  You know, like in Canada.  Or Cuba.

20. No, the left does not think that "the IRS should violate our constitutional rights."  Okay, this is just getting progressively weirder.  The left pretty much always believes that no government agency at all should violate our constitutional rights.  And, again, what the hell is Jindal talking about?  I thought violating constitutional rights is a right-wing thing.  Could it possibly be that I'm the one who's confused and deluded?  Naaaahhhhh!

21. I'm also pretty sure that the left doesn't believe that reporters should be spied on.  This, too, is pretty damned weird: if the news media are liberal, which they aren't, but just bear with me on this, then why would liberals want the government to oppress the "liberal media"?  Is it too soon to start making Orwellian references to Jindal's doublethink?

22. No, the left does not think Benghazi was handled well.  It's just that the left tends to understand the difference between a big screw up and a scandal.

23. Okay, I'll grant this one and only this one: the left does, in fact, think that the second amendment is outdated.  Because it is.  Shay's Rebellion was a couple of centuries ago, after all.

24. Finally, the left, in fact, LOVES the first amendment.  You know, freedom of the press for all that "liberal media" out there, freedom of assembly for Occupy Wall Street and anti-war demonstrations, the establishment clause for preventing religious indoctrination in the schools, and freedom of speech so we can tell such important truths such as Bobby Jindal is either a total f-tard or a pathological liar, or both, but if he's the great white hope for the GOP, then the left can rest easy.

You know, if conservatives actually think that this is what the left is all about, it explains a lot of the success I've had in my facebook discussions with conservative friends: they've never heard or considered most of the ideas that I bring up.  Could it possibly be that all we have, when we get right down to it, is nothing but a communication problem?  If that's the case, we're much closer to solving our nation's problems than seems apparent.

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