STAR TREK
The Apple

From Wikipedia:

"The Apple" is a second season episode of Star Trek. It is episode #34, production #38, first broadcast on October 13, 1967 and repeated July 12, 1968. It was written by Max Ehrlich, and directed by Joseph Pevney.

Overview: The crew of the Enterprise visits a mysterious paradise controlled by a computer.

More here.

No apologies for this one. "The Apple" sucks. It sucks intensely. One of the worst episodes of the original series--I'd call it the worst, but I'm certain the third season's "And the Children Shall Lead" occupies that spot. If there's any saving grace here, it's the unintentional comedy. And some of it's pretty darned funny. Just prepare yourself: when you see something that you're not sure about, simply laugh at it.

I mean okay. There are a few interesting elements in "The Apple." Gamma Trianguli VI, where most of the episode's action takes place, for instance, has a pretty cool looking red sky. The massive landing party, nine strong, so big it had to be beamed down in two batches, is something I don't think happens in any other episode. Scotty, who remains in command on the bridge, is good, and his subplot, dealing with the alien computer-god's attempts to destroy the ship, is kind of interesting, too. Indeed, all the interaction between Kirk and Scotty over the communicator, which continues the joking, first seen in "The Doomsday Machine," about Scotty being a hired hand, is a lot of fun. Chekov's good, too, exhibiting the Ruso-centrism for which he eventually became well known, as well as deftly romancing babe-of-the-week Yeoman Martha Landon. The hewn rock snake head that serves as terrestrial presence of the above mentioned computer-god, Vaal, while goofy, gave me nightmares when I was a kid. And four security guards meet gruesome and meaningless deaths, adding to the ongoing motif of throwaway red shirts, first established in last week's "The Changeling." There's also a nice shot of the Enterprise firing its phaser banks.

But that's just about it. Everything else is either extraordinarily problematic or just stupid.

Structurally, the episode suffers from too many scenes that make their point quickly, but meander meaninglessly well past their utility. That is, there's a lot of filler here, with very little that serves to advance the plot. You often sit there wondering why things are happening. But that's just a general note.

More specifically, '''The Apple" is badly written. Especially the dialogue. And especially the characters. William Shatner as Kirk, for instance, acts his heart out, but to no avail. There's just no way he can make bad writing work. Kirk's scolding of Spock, right after the first officer saves his captain's life, just makes no sense, one of those "why is this happening?" moments. Indeed, Kirk's behavior is just bizarre throughout. As each of his security guards is killed, the captain becomes increasingly besieged by low self-esteem, which, when it appears that the Enterprise will also be lost, ultimately results in a strange Spock moment, as the Vulcan essentially gives Kirk a hollow and weird motivational speech. Kirk again falls flat at the end of the episode when, right after he has killed their god, he gives the primitive aliens a terse lecture on freedom and love.

But wait, there's more.

The above mentioned babe-of-the-week has never been seen before, and after this episode will never be seen again. It's like, "who the fuck is this yeoman chick and why is she here?" It appears that her only purpose, in classic 1960s sexist style, is to sex things up a bit. In addition to her make out session with Chekov, there is an agonizing moment when she tries to talk about the sexual behavior of the planet's inhabitants, but can't bring herself to use the word "sex." Meanwhile, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, and the last surviving security guard leer at her, lasciviously relishing her discomfort. So she's a sex toy, right? But then she kicks some alien ass a couple of scenes later. Right out of James Bond; you've just got to love the irrationalities of the 60s.

But without argument, the worst feature of "The Apple" is its aliens. They're just fucking stupid. I mean, they look stupid. They talk stupid. They do stupid things. Sure, the writers are obviously trying to establish the whole Adam and Eve, destruction of innocence, apple and snake in the Garden of Eden thing, but they fail miserably. Akuta's crying after being subdued by Kirk and Spock isn't sympathetic in any way; all it does is breed viewer contempt. You want to beat him up, too. And the alien dialogue is beyond insipid:

"All the world knows about Vaal."

"Love? What is love? Ah yes, the holding, the touching. Vaal has forbidden this."

The aliens giggle. Constantly. They perform a stupid worship ritual to some recycled music from "Amok Time." They kiss, while romantic music swells in the background, after watching Chekov and babe-of-the-week making out. They're just awful. As bad as the worst aliens ever produced by Star Trek: The Next Generation. Even worse, perhaps.

But what the fuck. It's just a TV show. Check it out.


The stupidest aliens ever?

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