CHENEY TO CALL ON NYARLATHOTEP TO HELP IN IRAQ

From the Dunwitch Times, 4/1/03

WASHINGTON, D.C. . - Vice-President (Appointed) Dick Cheney revealed a new twist in the war effort when he announced he would beseech the Great Old Ones to assist in the capture and/or devouring of the essence of Saddam Hussein and associates.

"It's a special task force,' said Cheney, "the sort of reality destroying work the government can contract out. The Old Ones have resources that are not only more cost efficient but are beyond human reason."

Cheney made the announcement in a joint press conference with GOO liaison Nyarlathotep, known to associates as The Crawling Chaos. The Chaos has been a consultant with previous Republican administrations, but the official capacity is unprecedented.

"I've already given an enormous amount of freedom and funding to the most terrifying organizations in the government," said Cheney, "It is time to unleash forces we cannot imagine."

Unnamed Democratic sources have questioned the bidding process for the soul-eating project. They pointed out that when Cheney was CEO of Halliburton Co. from 1995 to 2000, Houston had an unprecedented number of mysterious deaths. The deceased were discovered with thousands of tiny unexplainable holes in their skulls. Occasionally bodies were found turned inside out. These deaths always followed a display of lights above Halliburton headquarters, accompanied by keening and ululation no human or earthly throat could produce.

"Obviously the company had contact with Yog-Sothoth. I doubt Cheney compared the toll on our very existence with the consequences of using other unholy forces which lurk just past the threshold of human perception. He's been in the thrall of GOO since his lust for transgression led him to perform unspeakable rites as an undergraduate at Arkham University." said once source, who was later flayed alive by the talons of an invisible creature.

Others point out that Lynne Cheney, VP Cheney's wife, hails from Innsmouth and is beginning to show signs of the taint. "Her relatives tend to the master In dark Ry'leh, beneath the rolling waves. Of course they have access to the White House decision making process." said one observer, who spontaneously ignited into flames.

When asked about the selection process which lead to choosing GOO, Cheney cited executive privilege, quipping, "Some things are unknowable."

When questioned about the wisdom of calling upon mysterious beings outside of space and time, Cheney admitted to "some potential for blowback." He said he was prepared for complications, pointing to the elder signs etched in various corners of the White House.

With a chuckle he continued, "I can't, however, speak for the security of the sanity and lives of the press corps - if you insist on asking about what you weren't meant to know."

Cheney then concluded the conference by exclaiming, "Cthulhu Fhtagn! Ia! Ia!"

No one can speak of what happened next.

Well, Bob Dole reportedly opens Republican National Committee meetings by reading from the Necronomicon. Supernatural story lifted from Fengi.

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