GRIEVING NOTES: Epilogue

So, my mom died a year ago today.

I still haven't figured out what it means exactly to not have her anymore. I know that when I think about it I'm sad, but that doesn't tell me too much. My guess is that I'll never figure it out. I mean, of course, we all go on and everything, but all I know about what it means is that it sucks, and that's not really saying anything.

I don't dream about her anymore: I didn't put this in my "Grieving Notes" series, which I'm linking below, because it didn't start happening until after I had written it, but for a few weeks I had a some dreams that she was in. The situations were always different, but I would be talking to her, hanging out with her, when I would suddenly remember that she had died, and I would have to say to her finally, "But Mom, you're dead. How can you be here with me now?" Then she would fall silent, I would turn my head away, and she was gone.

That I kept having these dreams about Mom is significant. I usually don't dream, or at least, I don't usually remember my dreams. I imagine this was my subconscious trying to come to grips with my loss, trying to convince me that she really was gone. On the one hand, this was painful; on the other hand, it was nice to have such vivid dreams of spending time with her--my first thought when my father told me she was gone was that I didn't get to say goodbye to her; these dreams helped resolve that feeling for sure.

I've also discovered, philosophically at least, that, as an atheist-leaning agnostic, I'm okay with the fact that she may actually be gone for good, that when we die, we actually die, that there is no afterlife. She had a great time here among us, and I had a great time with her: that's enough for any of us. I mean, an afterlife, an eternity in paradise, is probably a cool thing if that's what happens, but she made the absolute best of her allotted time here. Why should we want more?

Anyway, I figured that this would be a good time to bundle together the series of posts I made about my experiences during the week after her death, so I can put it up over in the Real Art Greatest Hits column. So here you go:

GRIEVING NOTES: Prelude

GRIEVING NOTES: Intro

GRIEVING NOTES: Day One

GRIEVING NOTES: Day Two part one

GRIEVING NOTES: Interlude

GRIEVING NOTES: Day Two part two

GRIEVING NOTES: Day Three

GRIEVING NOTES: Day Four

GRIEVING NOTES: Day Five



I'll always love you, Mom!

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